In the previous two articles I wrote about the foundation that set up the formation of a Narcissist, if you have read the previous articles, you would have read about that his surroundings are the main influences that caused this disorder.
Using my EX as the example, his mother was the main contribution to form the Narcissistic traits in him, but not to say it’s all because of his mother, I do believe that HIM himself has a lot to contribute to this disorder. In other words, if he does not think that he is the “BEST”, he would have been more humble and would have behaved in a different way and treated the people around him differently, therefore, HE actually does think that he is the “KING” and enjoys the lifestyle according to how HE wants it to be.
If he doesn’t like how the things are, he would have change them but he will not change himself, he would change others to suit himself. That’s how a Narcissist thinks, because since young he already has those ideas of “he is the greatest” implanted into his brain and so that idea grew with him and became a part of his personality. A personality which made the people around him miserable that’s why it’s a type of disorder…
During the process of growing up, each individual develop certain traits from the surroundings that help forming the personality. Humans are social beings which we have to interact and adjust according to our environments mainly with the people who we socialize with. If certain behaviors are not acceptable by others, normally we would try to find out the problems and make changes within ourselves.
For example: If a child always gets angry after he has lost a game with his friends, and starts to blame on others, his friends will obviously reflect his problems back to him by ways that can help them sort out the conflicts. If the child accepts the fact that his behavior is not acceptable by others, he will slowly learn to change in order to get along with the others better rather than just carry on with his own ways; therefore his personality will change to form a better balance with the people he interacts with.
However, a Narcissist is different. He is the type of kids who will throw tantrums or use certain ways to win in any ways. He blames others for his lost or might even bend the rules in his favour. He uses his power to change others and make others bend for him. If the people do bend for him, he will step over them to climb up because in his mind he will think:” Ha! I AM powerful that you all willing to bend, therefore I can”. He is allowed and tolerated in a lot of his unacceptable behaviors and so he never really learnt at a young age that certain things he does is actually wrong.
This pattern of behaviour is then strengthened and will grow with him. In my EX’s case, that’s why he always kept that cousin of his close to him, because of his cousin’s “loser image” (as how HE called his cousin) made HIM looked like the “better person”. HE would portray himself as the “great guy” who is willing to “take care” of this cousin, who HE called “retarded” (the cousin still works for him now by the way)… This cousin in a way “allowed” HIM to treat him like that by keeping quiet (silent agreement) since they were kids and therefore strengthened this dysfunctional “bond” in between them.
That other friend of his strengthened HIS Narcissism by boosting his ego to be “right”. Whenever HE would start bragging about things, his friend would “back him up” as if he’s just sucking up to HIM. Even when he knows something that HE did was not right, he would still “agree” in HIS way of doing things by using certain statements like “because you are the man, you can just go out and have fun without telling your wife about it” or “men flirt with other women, that’s just the way they are and there’s nothing wrong about it” or “if you have money, people will respect you then you can do anything you want”, to justify HIS actions and behaviors for HIM. This friend helped HIM thinks that HIS unacceptable behaviours towards others are “right”.
HIS mom, who has always been the one “supporting” HIS Narcissism by supplying all the allowance, justifications with excuses, and tolerance. She does this by saying to him that HE is the greatest man and always helping others, she puts the blame of “high expenses” onto the people who work for him by saying to him that “it’s all because they are not working hard enough, that’s why you are suffering”, even though she knows that HE is a heavy gambler and had spent most of his money on material things so that he could live like a “KING”.
They do that for him for one reason only, because they “need” him. HIS cousin needs HIM for work; that friend of HIS needs HIM for a place to stay; and HIS mom needs HIM for financial support. These “needs” that they have for HIM created the co-dependency and therefore they had to “bend” in his favour, either voluntarily or involuntarily (I don’t think his cousin would still be willingly bend for him if he knows that HE called him “retarded” behind his back) . HE knew all this for a fact, therefore HE will “help” them out as long as they keep on supplying HIS needs for them, which are the bending down, sucking up and the excuses so that he can always feel the high, the feel the need to be privileged and to have someone backing up on the shifting of blames.
As the Narcissism base is formed, it gets worse as he ages.
In the previous posts that I wrote about his gambling issues. It became so bad that he lost so much and couldn’t even pay the people who worked for him. He would then make up excuses for himself that it’s because of bad economy, because of the people not working hard to bring income in, because of the “Chinese astrology year” that clashed with his animal sign… He would blame on EVERYTHING besides on his own problem that he was gambling people’s hard working money away.
He started borrowing money from people and tell them that he is struggling because of “bad economy” that he couldn’t cover his expenses and wages for workers. He lied to the people who helped him that’s how I see it… It’s not about the economy or anything that he said, but the thing is that, HE really doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with what he’s done. He really believes that he can get the money that he’s lost back and even make them tripled. HE became a professional liar that HE believes in HIS own made up lies.
I sometimes really wonder does he even know what he’s said and done? I also wonder does he even know that what he’s doing is actually causing problems with others and also for himself? There’s a lot of questions that I could’t find the answers and I couldn’t understand until I learnt something about Narcissism…
People who do not live with him would not know that he has issues, but I do… and I was also one of his Narcissistic supplies…
(To Be Continued…)