A relationship takes two people to work together. It should be a two-way street and both partners must put in efforts to make it work.
BUT, if you are in a relationship with a Narcissist, get ready to take the punch.
Here are a few things that you might encounter when being in an abusive relationship with a Narcissist:
1. You would accept the UNACCEPTABLE and start to CHANGE yourself
I used to think that maybe I caused HIM to treat me like that, because I didn’t think that I was good enough so deserved to be treated like that… How F#*KED UP?! For a long time I really thought that there must be something so wrong that I did that’s why HE would become like that… When you are in an abusive relationship, you would often doubt yourself first, because that is what an abusive Narcissist wants you to think.
At the first stage of the relationship, some small things you would tend to overlook them and you would sort of just “let it go”. My NEX (Narcissist Ex) showed signs of Narcissism at an early stage of our relationship already, but I chose not to see them. I did notice that HE liked to talk a lot about his past of how he bought the house from his lucky gambling streaks, HE liked to brag about what he did and how people looked up to HIM and loved HIM. HE also bragged about how many women used to flirt and came on to HIM where ever HE went…
I didn’t mind that HE likes to brag about HIS past achievements, but then I realized that whenever we had family gatherings or social events, that was all HE talked about. However, I do really mind about HIM talking about how “great” HIS life was BEFORE because HE was the “lover boy”. HE would talk about those things right in front of me and then would say in front of our friends and family that HIS wife (which was me), doesn’t like to dress up like those others, how I didn’t do this and that for HIM like his other friend’s wife… and so on and so on…
I used to think maybe it was really because I haven’t done enough for him or maybe because I really am not pretty enough for HIM that’s why HE wouldn’t like me more. I took HIS “suggestions” and tried to improve myself in every way I could. I had to change myself in order to suit HIM and to make HIM look “good” in front of others (but often that would not be enough because HE would NEVER be happy with what he has)
2. You find yourself being CRITICIZED
HE would criticize me in front of our friends and family, and would say it in a way as if HE wanted others to “join” in the criticism. One time HE was talking about HIS past experiences with women again in front of family members and then HE started saying that how many women wanted a piece of HIM, compared to what HE had (which was ME), I was like a “dead fish”… HE was a bit drunk at that time, so I kept quiet and “allowed” HIM to carry on with the ugly comments and the private issues being discussed in front of others because I thought to myself at that time: “HE is just drunk and it’s pointless arguing with HIM now.”, but one of the aunt couldn’t take it anymore and told HIM to shut up and then he stopped. The next day I told HIM about what he said, HE acted like he didn’t know about it and did not apologize for it… and I let it passed!
HE had also flirted with other women in front of me when we went out and said to me that they came on to HIM. If I showed that I was upset about it, HE would then ask me why am I being so jealousy and then would ask his friends to “judge” was I being jealousy or not. HE would then say to me that, HE likes to be flirty when HE goes out because that’s what makes HIM feel good and all men like that, HE would tell me that it’s not a big deal and I must have a “big heart” and just accept it.
I did exactly what he asked me to, which was to stop being jealous about his flirting. Again, I said to myself that HE just likes the attentions that HE couldn’t get from me, so I accepted it… I was scared that if I do those things that HE doesn’t like (e.g. jealousy), HE would get upset and wouldn’t like me anymore. I really thought to myself that those were not such big deal and hypnotized myself to believe that those criticisms made about me were really because I was the one being boring in bed or being jealousy, I really thought so and had to change my behaviour towards HIM. I had to become a “bigger” person here in our relationship.
3. Nothing you do is ever ENOUGH
I had to do everything HE asked for, because then I would be “good enough” for HIM, otherwise HE would compare me to others or become more demanding. I had to accept the way HE was and mustn’t complain because HE could never be the bad or the wrong one, according to HIM, I was the one with issues and I was the one who was being unreasonable. I had to fulfill HIS needs first and attend to HIM first even if I had things to do on my own. HE had no signs of interest in what I did, what I like and what I want, even those were something as small as a kiss or a hug. Emotionally, HE was never there, but when ever HE needed my attention, I had to be there for him.
Being in any relationship, everyone would try to do things for one another to make your partner happy. So I thought that the more I could do for HIM then maybe HE might show me some appreciations and some love, but then I found myself tired, upset, disappointed and sad.
4. You are always the one to blame on EVERYTHING
A Narcissist doesn’t take blames for anything, this is not really because HE can’t, it is more because HE DOESN’T want to. HE doesn’t think that anything he does is wrong even when you confront him about it, and that is what HE is good at, to direct all the blames onto someone else and often that someone else is you.
HE was a gambler and never admitted that HE had a problem, HE would use a lot of excuses to try justify his problem. I had to be with HIM whenever HE went about HIS gambling quests. HE was so sure about himself that HE believes that when HE went gambling he would definitely win. Being his wife, I tried to stop HIM, but HE would beg me to go with him to give him the “supports” HE needed. So I went with HIM almost every time and watched HIM got his high when he won and the low when he lost. If he won, then HE would be happy for a few days, but when HE lost, he would become aggressive and would get irritated easily, what’s more was that HE would blame me for his lost. HE would say that I was not concentrating on him because I played too much with my phone or I went to play on the slot machine or because I wasn’t sitting next to him or it was because I was sitting next to HIM but my face looked like shit which brought HIM bad luck… What’s worse was that after all those times I told HIM to stop, HE still turned around and told me to give HIM emotional support on HIS habit and told me that if I do that then HE would win more……
HE would blame me on anything that went wrong in what HE was doing, and I would always be the one apologizing (even when I fell asleep next to HIM by the Roulette table because HE gambled until 4:00 AM. HE eventually stopped because he lost, then said to me that why I didn’t have enough energy which made him lost and also I embarrassed HIM)
5. You are emotionally DRAINED and DAMAGED
This is all because of after all the work that you had put into the relationship or trying to make it work, but all you can find are the let downs and the criticisms that you got from HIM. You don’t know what to do, and HE hasn’t being giving you any emotional support as your partner. You would become moody and depressed. You would find yourself unhappy in the relationship most of the time, and you don’t even remember when was the last time that you were happy being with HIM. This is all because you have changed yourself so much that you don’t even know who you are and what makes you happy anymore.
A Narcissist doesn’t know how to give emotional supports, in fact, HE only takes, and because nothing you do will ever be good enough, you will eventually be drained as if HE really has sucked the life out of you. You would then find it difficult to communicate with HIM, because you are unsure how HE will react. You will be scared to ask HIM for anything because you don’t want to be disappointed again. You will then become self withdrawn and afraid to tell HIM about your needs. You will become depressed because you find yourself alone.
6. You feel ISOLATED
A Narcissist can appear to be a very good man to his friends and family, but being the closest person to HIM, you know what HE really is about. You are a part of HIS belongings and you are something that HE owns. Sometimes you may want to shout out and talk to other people about what you are dealing with everyday during your relationship, but often you would hear from others that:” What? HIM? No ways! HE is such a nice guy, that’s impossible!”
People often believe what they see, but you are the only one who can “feel” the truth about HIM. You would feel isolated because others wouldn’t believe you and would talk to you as if you are the “crazy” or the “liar”.
In this case, please talk to your closest family member about your situation and get a strong support group from them. Ask them to help you stay strong and also ask them to try feel it for themselves in order to help you prove that you are NOT the “crazy” one.
My sister is my strong backbone who I talked to about everything. She did saw the truth about HIM for herself and told me to really think about my next step. She also told me that if I wanted to carry on with the relationship, then I must just lick my wounds and take them all in for the next 10, 20 or 30 years; but if I don’t, then I have to find the courage to just leave HIM, because it was really not healthy for me. (I lost a lot of weight in a very short period of time that one day I went to visit her, she was worried and said I looked really sick. It was shocking to me of how all the mental pressure that has being building up in me can effect my health so much.)
I have always being a very positive person, nothing could bring me down, I suppose it is because I have a strong mind and stubbornness that helped me pulled through. I am a type of person who when I love someone, I would give my all and would do anything to make that person happy. But when “I” can never be good enough for HIM, no matter what I do, HE will never be happy. I finally stood up for myself and decided that it is time for me to wake up and realize that if this man cannot LOVE WHO I am (instead of WHAT I am) then HE never will.
And so I did. For I am better off alone than being with HIM, who was never there anyways…