I was in a 10 year relationship with a Narcissist, and I am glad that I have ended it.
Throughout the whole 10 years, I have experienced from being a special “chosen one” to the “second best” to the “not good enough one” to the “last priority”.
When we first started dating, HE made me feel that I was special and I really felt that I was so lucky to have HIM in my life. The third month that we were dating we went on a trip overseas, it was unforgettable even though my mom did actually warned me that it might not be such a good sign when a man tries to impress too much too soon. HE would buy me flowers, open the car doors, prepare an extra jacket in the car when we go out in case it gets cold… you know, all those things that you see in the movies, HE did them all.
Yes I was head rushed that time, because I have never had a man treated me that way before, I was that special girl so lucky that I was “chosen” by this “perfect man”. I was not a woman with a lot of self confident and I often think that if someone this good likes me, I should be grateful.
After a year, we were living together. His father passed away when he was young, and he has being taking care of his mother by himself ever since. Once I had moved in, I started to realize something about HIM.
HE started suggesting that I wake up earlier than HIM to make coffee for him before he starts working, he said “it would be nice”. I felt weird at first because I always make my own coffee in the mornings for myself, no one ever makes coffee for me. I thought HE was just suggesting, so I didn’t really follow through. Then things started to slowly change… He would then complain to everyone when we have family dinners that I didn’t make him coffee… At first it didn’t really affected me much when he did that because it sounded like a joke that he was just joking around about some small things that couples argue about, and boy, I was wrong…
HE started complain more and more about me, about how I dress, why I don’t wear make up, why I didn’t clean and pack his clothes into his closets… almost everything I did wasn’t “good enough”. I remembered that I was really doing whatever he asked me to do, but HE was never satisfied. Then one day I asked HIM, why did HE want to be with me? He asked me why would I ask him that, so I said I felt that “I am not good enough”. His reply was “then you must make yourself good enough for me”. It felt strange, but I guess I took that as a suggestion from HIM to help me become a better woman, so I stayed and tried to make it work and did everything I could to please HIM.
I guess I just wanted to be that “perfect” woman for HIM because he was so “perfect”, but I was wrong, because NO ONE is perfect.
HE became more and more demanding, and I just kept bending backwards to please him. I used to massage him, bath him, scrub his toes and cut his toe nails, carry the bags when we went shopping, carry the groceries in from the car while he sat and poured himself a glass of cool drink, and requests that HE wanted in bed… HE would still have something to say about the massage I gave him wasn’t as good as the masseuse from the SPA; just bathing HIM wasn’t enough, I must also apply lotion on for him afterwards; if I cut the toes nails, I should also cut his finger nails; he would be able to hold my hand if I carry the bags; he was simply just too tired from the grocery shopping because HE paid and drove us there; and why didn’t I give HIM a great early morning sex to wake HIM up or suck HIM “dry”… I did them all because HE told me that “if you treat me like a KING, I would treat you like a QUEEN”… I believed HIS crap and made myself available every time whenever HE needed me.
Little did I realize that the more I did that, the less respect I got from HIM. I wanted to break up, but HE didn’t want to and said that we must work it out ( and that was in HIS ways…)
I did tried to stop doing those things (sometimes quite irrespective and unreasonable) but HE would become very upset. If I talked about what I would like from HIM, he would always change the topic onto what HE would like me to do more for HIM. The bad cycle just kept on repeating itself… if I didn’t do the things HE would like, HE would get upset, we fought, I bend, I would apologize and then HE would get what HE want again and again. Things got worse after we got married.
Everything was about what HE wanted, what HE needed, what HE would like, and what made HIM happy. HE paid no attention about what I want, what I need and what I like and what would make me happy. He showed no interests in what I do but I must give HIM all the attention when he needs me to. Everything was about HIM, what about me? A relationship takes two to tango, but it was more of a one way in mine.
Throughout the whole 10 years, I loved HIM but have always feeling something is not right and something is terribly missing and then I finally opened my eyes and realized that something missing was LOVE. I felt that after so many years been with HIM, what made HIM liked me was those things I did for HIM and wasn’t really ME that he loved. I often felt depressed and unhappy during our relationship. I am the type of person who can take a lot of shit from people, especially from the person I love. I took everything in and did everything hoping that HE would love me more, but I realized that I was wrong because he is a Narcissist.
How I came to this understanding was from the last fight that we had. He told me that why was I so unhappy for HE is such a good husband, so I told him that all I wanted from him was to just give me some emotional supports because I couldn’t feel that I was being loved. His reply was that “If you are not happy, then you can just F-off!”. That was the night that I got a big mental slap in my head telling me it’s time to go. I then thought to myself, why did I let HIM treat me like this for so long. I also asked myself, how can a person who I gave my love to, say something so hurtful like this? So I started reading a lot on relationship articles that I could find on Google… and found the term Narcissism.
Then it all became clear.
He cannot and doesn’t know how to love, I was just one of his Narcissistic supply that he wants to keep within his reach whenever he needs. That explains why something felt missing and why he treated me like that when I started to “disobey” him, he said that I have changed and he doesn’t like it, when all I did was that I reclaimed myself back.
YES, I found myself and learnt to love myself more than I love HIM. I have changed, because I am no longer that “supply” that HE wanted me to be.
I finally found the courage to say what I should have said to him ages ago and I left HIM.
I will never let someone treat me as if I am not good enough ever again and I will learn to love myself more.